THE EVIL EARTH

Dearest listener/viewer/reader,
I feel (in my bosom) a real need (that's need, not knead - I'm not feeling a kneading feeling in my bosom, it's not a heart attack don't worry) to inform (not outform) you (you) that little did you know (I assume) but the Earth (this planet in case you didn't know) is pure evil.
Why is this so? Well, besides the fact that Earth (this planet) murdered Beethoven and gave Ghandi a distinctly bald head (both of these things are unfair and unwarranted), but also because it gave birth (in its bosom) to all the evil things that ever (and never) existed! On top of this, if the Earth kept rotating around and around, faster and faster, we would all fly off into space and never (ever) return (enter if you are not using a Mac).
So beware yon earthling! Cringe and beware! Your mother planet is trying to kill you! And your grandmothers!!!

MY DAY IN THE PARK

I had a lovely day in the park today. Sunshine, soft grass, parakeets, wildebeests. I had a lovely time. My beef rosti was lightly cooked and dunked in chowder by my slave children, my wine was cooled by the ice cream slabs. It was a lovely time in the park today. A lovely time.
I had a lovely day in the park today. The birds were singing Verdi and the turtles croaked as we shot them from our grass hut. The natives whooped and charged at the defences in one line, and the British pointed and laughed before setting a gorilla and a gazelle loose in their direction. The thunder of battle almost knocked the pig off its spit but I righted it in time. It was a lovely day.
I had a very lovely time at the park today indeed. My mother folded origami as my neices played ring-a-rosie. The dogs wrestled and nipped at each others ears as I had fastened a steak to each of their foreheads. Mayhem ensued when the daschund bit the Prince Regent on the shin. How we laughed and sipped on martinis. How we laughed. It was a lovely time in the park today. A lovely time.

SINISTER NURSERY RHYMES

Some of you may be aware that many nursery rhymes and fables began life in response to a creepy, deadly, or otherwise terrible thing or act. Sometimes they were written by bards in the middle ages after missing a train or a witch burning.
For example, did you know that the kiddie song 'Five Little Ducks' was written after the mass duck suicide of 1612?
The original final verse went...

Old mother duck went to the gap,
Stepped to the edge and flap, flap, flap,
Fell down onto rocks with a splat,
'And that,' said the coroner, 'that is that.'

So be careful when you sing about things and stuff to children and stuff! You may be wrecking their minds. FOR GOOD!

DREAM YE OF DREAMS?

A new phenomenonenon has been documented by the Boy Scout Association of America. Known as Dream Dreaming, it is the phenomenoneon by which when one is dreaming, ie: when sleeping, then yon dreamer dreamest he or she of being dreaming a dream that is within the previous dream, eg: dreaming of dreaming.
According to Connor Jacobs (see pic) it is 'Like, freaky.'
So dream all of ye and hope and pray that you one day may dream that you are dreaming!

WONDER WORLD, WONDER!

In the deepest bowels of ships,
Live a group of fatty chips,
Hiding from yon tummies, all,
Will you find them, eat them, y'all?

In the highest treetop sticks,
Live a group of southern hicks,
Hiding from yon leggies, all,
Will you kick them, make them fall?

In the coldest icy snows,
Lives a smart and thinking nose,
Wond'ring if the world will end,
Will you him a postcard send?

WORLD CUP: ORIGINS

Hast thou ever wondered on the origins of yon World Cup?

Captain Johnson takes up the story...

It all began in 1902 when British arcaeologists (the best in the world) discovered a golden cup in the ancient sands near Heathrow. This cup, dubbed 'The Best in the world' by contemporaries, was later sent on a round the world luxury cruise with Reginald P. Bommer OBE, in order to give it glimpses of its birth planet from within a luxury 5-star cabin.

Ten days later, it died.

In honour of this most glorious cup, a competition was formed. It was decided that every four years, archaeologists would gather and disperse, trying to find a succesor to this 'World Cup'. This digging competition later evolved into the soccer game that we know today. Apparently it is just as exciting as those early days when people used to sit in the stands to watch old men with moustaches dig in mud.


- Gloria Samwise, winner of the last 'Archaeological World Cup' and her winning entry found near Cleats, Ohio.

ANCIENT PIGS

Our friends at L'Institute Historicale have exploded a bombshell on and over the entire scientific world.
What have they done? What have they said?

"Le pig is the oldest being on earth. Le pig outdates le anemone or le shell or even le germs. Without le pig, there would be no le mammals, le dinosaurs or even le boggle eye craft supply."
- Professor Paulo Cocou

When asked for proof, The Institute ushered out this statement:

"In answer to the question: What came first, le pig or le egg, le pig is clearly the solution."

The following photograph was also included of a pig c.50 million years BC, uncovered in the backyard of The Institute.

SHARKS!

SHARKS! Snakes' deadly cousins are looking for you and are even more deadly than the deadliest of SNAKES!
SHARKS! With their dozens of razor sharp teeth and VENOM! Deadly venom that could kill seventeen cows if they were floating in the sea.
People look like cows floating when they swim and the undiscerning shark is more than ready to eat you! Don't become a shark's beef meal!
SHARKS CAN KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD and there is no coming back from death!
So stay out of the water, the jungles, everywhere, as there are many, many people and animals who are trying to kill you such as the fearsome and terrifying SHARK!!!

SNAKES!

SNAKES! The very mention of the word sends a chill up many a trouser leg!
SNAKES! The longest, scariest, deadliest thing in the world!
SNAKES! Legless lizards who are out for a nice meal or meals!
Yes, friends, beware of the snake - the scariest thing known to man or beast. These terrible creatures are full of a kill lust that must be quenched. Beware of them, oh fleet footed champion, if you wish to keep your fleetness and/or your feet!
They are silent, but deadly, with massive fangs dripping with deadly venom. Let them attach temeselves to you via these fangs and you will be pumped full of spicy venom that could kill a horse! Once a snake attaches to your arm it will NEVER come off! Even if you cut it in half with an axe, the snake will continue to try and kill and then eat your severed limb!
So if you wish to live, BEWARE of the SNAKE!